Tuesday, 31 August 2010

New From EA Sports: "Ultimate Traffic Warden"

Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary claims that
it is "perfectly lawful" to burn the cars
of passengers who refuse to pay the
Ryanair Parking Premium
which they are informed of in-flight.


Blairaising Experience

MANDELSON: I've fixed Ed for you.

MILI-MAJOR: Butt out and shut the fuck up, OK?


Monday, 30 August 2010

Vaguely Gay

SPAD: Foreign Office.... Ah, Crispin! Thanks for
getting back. William says many thanks - he owes you one...
Er... no ...
I don't think he meant that kind of one.
Ciao, Crispin.


Two Slightly Irritated Boys

QUESTIONER: Favourite film?


QUESTIONER: You both...




Saturday, 28 August 2010

My Oh Myers

I am privialged to be the first to use
this new sonic measuring device
for my latest bespoke designer
baseball cap.


Thursday, 26 August 2010

Polly Peck Or Hen Peck?

As a former tycoon and playboy I have
returned because the conditions are right:
I can't stand being around the old bat
indoors back in Northern Cyprus any more.


Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Austin Powers' Nephew Could Create World Peace

MYERS: We could solve a lot of problems, Will,
by getting India, Pakistan and Bangladesh
to join together as one big country.

HAGUE: That's interesting advice, Chris.


Language Barrier

REPORTER: Did you learn a language at school?

TEEN: Yeah. French: Fuck Off.


Monday, 23 August 2010

The Thrown Behind The Power

Now, whilst David is away, I would just
like to make it clear that
behind every great man
there's a great womanizer.


Saturday, 21 August 2010

Edless Chicken

First rule of holding a House Party is:
DON'T invite close relatives.


Friday, 20 August 2010

A Real Treasurer

Any more balloons?
I've got plenty more hot air left.


Wednesday, 18 August 2010

The Ultimate Spin

The wages of sin are death.
The wages of death are
£4.6 million plus royalties.


Monday, 16 August 2010

A Right Charlie

New Labour - Mandelson, Blair - it's dead, gone,
kaput. It's back to the old tribal, factional, unionised,
in-fighting, unelectable Labour.
Welcome home.


Sunday, 15 August 2010

The New Green Agenda

CAMERON: Now look, Phil, I only want
Designer Cuts - non of these cheap imported copies.


Friday, 13 August 2010

Your Round, Dave

CAMERON: The point is that if beer
had been a sensible price
William wouldn't have been able to
afford 14 pints a day.



Thursday, 12 August 2010

Fun Times

They always said the creation of
New Labour
would be a roller-coaster ride.


link: Fun Times


Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Land Of Milk And ...

CAMERON: Final part of the deal:
I'll provide the milk...

CLEGG: And I'll provide the syrup - oops - I mean honey.

CAMERON: Perfect.


Friday, 6 August 2010

Be More Vague Or Leave It To Hague

OK, so Pakistan are great, Israel's wonderful,
the US are special but, frankly,
a tad late in WW2
and the worst Iran can do is lob a nuclear power station at us.
I think that covers it - I'll do another
one of these next month. Thank you.


Thursday, 5 August 2010

Diamonds Are A Girl's Worst Enemy

No, honest to God, I thought that
when he said "Did I like the stones?"
he was referring to Mick Jagger's crew.


Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Five Bare Their Souls On The Hustings

2015: New Prime Minister Diane Abbot
with her four bodyguards.
(Two Labour, one Conservitive-lite and one
non-descript: the ties have it)


There's Been A Murdoch

Pink Floyd have a new track out today:

Another Quid in the Paywall.


Tuesday, 3 August 2010

You're History

I didn't go into politics to win
popularity polls.
Anyway, in my head I'm the best
Prime Minister ever.



Monday, 2 August 2010


Just to emphasise that this Coalition means
business I sledge Pakistan
and they immediately get massively rolled over
by England at Trent Bridge.
Now that's hitting the ground running.


Sunday, 1 August 2010

Jacqui Seeks Aunty To Replace Sister

I'm a greedy, unprincipled, incompetent trougher:
perfectly qualified for the BBC Trust.