Wednesday 30 June 2010

Lock 'Em Up & Give 'Em The Key


Fewer criminals will go to prison: we'll put them in Harriett Harman's Equalities Office Peace Pod instead.


***


Tuesday 29 June 2010

In Your American Dreams


JUDGE:
You are charged with compromising national security by passing the following information to the Russians:

1. The plot-line of the next Disney film.

2. The actual beef content of a Big Mac.

3. The secret location where Michael Jackson and Elvis are living, having faked their deaths.

How do you plead?

DEFENDENTS:
American, your honour.


***


Monday 28 June 2010

Three Truths On Their Shirt



Over-rated.

Over-hyped.

Over-paid.

[And that's just the Manager]


***


Sunday 27 June 2010

Here's A Hot Tip...


Abject Capitulation to beat Golden Generation
in the vuvuzela stakes -
the richest non-event in sporting history.


***

Saturday 26 June 2010

Bob's Yer Carbuncle


CHARLES: That is an eyesore. It should be knocked down.

REPORTER: It's Buckingham Palace, sir. Your Mother's house.

CHARLES: She doesn't know the first thing about architecture.


***


Friday 25 June 2010

Burger Kings


MEDVEDEV: And what cut are these burgers made out Mr President?

OBAMA: Mixture of Hayward sirloin and McCrystal brisket.


***

link:  Burger Kings

*


Wednesday 23 June 2010

Budget Small Print


Look! I know I'm paid a lot but
the Deficit is NOT my fault. OK?


***


Tuesday 22 June 2010

Les Miserables


You had the Comedian's Budget from Labour.

This is the Straight Man's Budget from the Coalition.
[Now that Laws has gone, that is.]


***

Monday 21 June 2010

Thursday 17 June 2010

Boris Sounds Bum Note


Just for a change I'll blow
someone else's trumpet.


***

link:  Boris Blows

*




Tuesday 15 June 2010

Clegg's Core Election Strategy Revealed


EXCLUSIVE: 
The Lib-Dems have been
ejected from the Coalition Government
due to
"ambush marketing".


***


*


Monday 14 June 2010

He Ain't Heavy...


BOTH:  Vote for me - I'm not my brother.


***


The Office Of Budget Irresponsibility


I cannot actually be accused of
over-estimating growth
because I had my fingers crossed at the time.


***




Sunday 13 June 2010

Green Agenda


Typical bloody Yanks covering the ball
with oil - just to make a point.


***


Saturday 12 June 2010

South African Dream


Yes, and I expect us to win the world cup
for the fans, for the Queen
and for Italy.


***


Friday 11 June 2010

Flag Of Inconvenience


SCOTSMAN: Och, I knew it wouldn't be long
until The Coalition sold out to foreigners.


***


Thursday 10 June 2010

What Are Friends For?


KARZAI: Now, David, let me explain how you
win an election outright.


***

'Tillo, Brillo & Shrillo


ABBOTT: Which two tits are you talking about?


***


Wednesday 9 June 2010

Young, Gifted and White


ALL: Thank goodness Diane has been nominated
otherwise I would have been the only
"different" candidate.


***


Tuesday 8 June 2010

A Cut Above


Where there is Cameron, may we bring Clegg.


***


Beyond Pelicans


This is the biggest clean-up operation
ever known to man.
I will not rest until I have returned to pristine condition
our tarnished image.


***


Monday 7 June 2010

Playing The Loyalty Card


John McDonnell regrets not assassinating Thatcher.
Well I regret not assassinating Brown.
But I'm having a jolly good go at it now.


***


Its Beak Can Hold More Than A Jerrycan


I wouldn't mind but I have to
pay tax on this as well you know.


***



*

Sunday 6 June 2010

Supporting The Strikers


As you're not working would some of you like to come and crew my
easyJet flight to Cyprus
so I don't miss out on free drinks and nibbles.


***


*


Saturday 5 June 2010

Clueless In Gaza



1st WOMAN: What's that gunfire?

2nd WOMAN: It's the IDF shooting itself in the foot.


***





Charity Begins At Home


My first priority as Poverty Tsar will be to
make sure we get the
Labour Party
above the poverty line.
Finacially and ideas-wise that is.


***


*


Friday 4 June 2010

National Sport


We're different:
when I used to play SpAds footy with
the Milibands they were into the
long-ball game whilst I
was more inclined to drivel.


***


Thursday 3 June 2010

All Women Short Cuts


I think that half the Shadow Cabinet should be women.
And the other half should be my relations.


***


*


Life Imitates Art


"I got some bad ideas in my head."


***


Wednesday 2 June 2010

Phantom Opposition?



HARMAN:  Can I press the Prime Minister to
re-consider anonymity?

CAMERON: Who asked that...?


***


New Politics, New PMQs...?


QUESTIONER: May I ask if the Prime Minister is wearing sandals?


***


Tuesday 1 June 2010

The Office Of Very Fair Trading


FINGLETON: I give you my wisdom for £279,999 a year:
sounds like Fair Trading to me.


***


*