Monday, 31 December 2012

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Its An Old U.S. Custom

We're holding you on suspicion of
terrorising other long-distance athletes.


Saturday, 29 December 2012

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Dearly Deported

Muhammad Nazir:

The State always gets its pound of fish.


Monday, 24 December 2012

Keep Digging

For the avoidance of doubt can I state for the record that the Met cannot be judged
by the actions of one corrupt officer... two corrupt officers... several corrupt officers...
the Met cannot be judged by the fact that it is an entirely corrupt force.


Saturday, 22 December 2012

No Real Answers

NRA Spokesman:

OK. Here's the deal.

You let us put a real bullet in the Kinder Egg
and we'll put chocolate bullets in all our guns.


Friday, 21 December 2012

Tactical Awareness

It's just like my government: all spin and own goals.


Thursday, 20 December 2012

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Constabulary Duty

MITCHELL: Could you open the gate, please?

COP: Password...?


COP: That's last week's.

MITCHELL: Er... Government...?

COP: Yesterday's.

MITCHELL: Oh, right. Plebs...?


Medium Or Message?

LIZ: Good morning, everyone. Shall I start us off?

Is there anybody there?


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

The Very Long Arm Of The Law

I was proceeding down my street where I live on my day off when I heard a Tory ... a toff ... a cabinet minister say: “You f***ing idiot ... moron ... pleb” to a mate ... a cop ... a diplomatic protection officer in next door’s garden ... somewhere in London ... in Downing Street.


Monday, 17 December 2012

The Coalition Tightrope.

After five years as leader of the Liberal Democrats
Nick Clegg denied any notion that his support
was waning.


Friday, 14 December 2012

One Nation Lost In Translation

Immigrants should learn English.
Here are some useful phrases to start them off:

a). Good morning. My name is Gillian Duffy.

b). Hello. Are you a bigoted woman?

c). How do you turn this microphone off?


Thursday, 13 December 2012

What The Frack...?

Shale Gas is perfectly safe...

as long as you don't mine it.


Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Monday, 10 December 2012


Manchester City's answer to United's domination
has always been to throw money at it.


Sunday, 9 December 2012

Boldly Gone

One extra star in the sky tonight.


Saturday, 8 December 2012

Friday, 7 December 2012

Good Call...

What say this time we pretend to be
the Samaritans?


Fairtrade, Fair Tax?

We woke up and smelt the boycott.


update: Costalottacustomers

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Little Doesn't Help

We really don't understand why our

Weight Watchers Brand

hasn't sold well in the U.S.


Monday, 3 December 2012

England Expects...

The paparazzi better bloody behave themselves
or we'll set

Lord Justice Leveson

onto them.


Sunday, 2 December 2012

Tax-less In Seattle

We're moving from Tall Skinny Latte Tax


Grande Chocolate Cream Frappuccino® with Extra Double Whipped Tax.

We listen to our customers.

Especially when they're leaving us in protest.


Saturday, 1 December 2012

'Phone Haka

Fleet Street editors react to Leveson's call for a
new press watchdog.


Friday, 30 November 2012

Who Dares Gets Jailed

This is a 19mm Glock pistol.
One of the most powerful handguns in modern warfare.

Do you:

a). Use it to kill people.

b). Stick it on the wall.

Your choice.

Do you feel lucky, punk?


Thursday, 29 November 2012

So, Let's Regulate

And, finally, each copy of my report includes a scratch card.
First Prize:
A day's work experience with Glenn Mulcaire.


Wednesday, 28 November 2012


He's a card is our Brian. The Report's
in the form of a tabloid complete
with cartoons and Texts Corner. 


Monday, 26 November 2012

The Devil You Know

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste.


He Looks Like Malcolm Tucker But He Hasn't Got His Charm

The new nick-name of the
Bank of England

The Old Lumberjack of Threadneedle Street.


Sunday, 25 November 2012

Happy Families

Reasons to bar potential Foster Parents:

Drug Addicts

UKIP Voters


Saturday, 24 November 2012

Vote Winner

And can I just say "Thank you, Rotherham,
for the best free publicity that we at
UKIP could ever hope for.
[Even Michael Gove is rooting for us!]"


Thursday, 22 November 2012

They Couldn't Get Pep Guardiola

Have to say the old place has taken a bit
of a battering since I last worked here.

                                                 Lord Tony Hall
                                                                 [on returning to the BBC]


Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Managers R Us

Drug addiction
Drink Addiction
Tobacco Addiction
Gambling Addiction
Sex Addiction

I get.


Manager Addiction...?


Bishop To GSV3 - Checkmate

And who needs a female version of me, anyway?


Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Equality Control

Wisdom is the principal thing;
therefore get wisdom:
and with all thy getting get understanding.

But don't get
Women Bishops!
                                               Proverbs 4.   


So, Sally Can Wait

John always said my Latin would come in handy:

A-twit, a-twot, a-twut, a-twat
I'm off Twitter and that is that.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Dahlings - It's Diamonds!

You'd have thought the cheese
would have gone off by now.


Saturday, 17 November 2012

Ballot Kept Secret

We've arrested this Polling Station
for wasting police time.


Friday, 16 November 2012

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Auntie's Prawn Crackers

China's ruling Communist Party has unveiled a new set of leaders.

[actual caption to this pic on BBC website]

Travis With My Auntie

Special Assignment:

Go to Bedfordshire.
Capture the Hairy Cornflake.


Tuesday, 13 November 2012